Injured Strength!

Ankle, I'm sorry:(
Resting miserably!

This summer has been a bit unusual in that I haven’t been my active self. Since as long as I can remember I’ve been a kinesthetic person, always running and jumping about. I think I’ve played just about every sport at some point. In primary school it was all about the track and field, sprint 100 meters to long jump to high jump. I had long legs for my age and although I received some interesting nicknames because of them they served me well when it came to the field. Thank God for my limbs! Wait, I can’t forget about all the extracurricular that my folks had me enrolled in before high school. There was the usual affordable stuff, swimming lessons and gymnastics, which lead to figure skating for the one and only year I could stand it. The figure skating was the last straw for me. No more sports for the sake of activity. I wanted to do something with my body I loved.

So in high school I danced. It was my sanctuary away from all the cognitive pressure that I felt in all my braniack classes. I also went on to be the captain of the volley-ball and ultimate Frisbee team, while playing a bit of b-ball just because I was so tight with the coaches, not really because it was a favorite.

This is all just a backdrop for why I’m writing. All this activity growing up taught my body that I needed to be active in my lifestyle. I took this into University, taking a couple more dance classes and getting more into the typical cardio one day, toning the next.

Yet in this past year I’ve been a bit sluggish. My body still seems to respond well to jumping in at a game that’s happening but I’m not as enthusiastic about the idea of getting up really early to go for a run. I was talking with a few girlfriends the other night, chatting about all things girl; menstrual cycles, baby making, high school wounds and victories, fashion, BOYS of coarse and body image. We were saying how for the most part the outer parts of us don’t seem to be reflecting our lack of activity much but it’s our insides that are noticing. We just feel more, BLAH! Whatever that translates into English.

There’s a reason that we are to take care of our bodies; they’re a Temple. Not only do they house the most incredible beauty in the world, God, but they also host us, our inner pieces. As a bigger picture, they are one part of a larger body. Each of us makes up a whole body of people and only when we are healthy can we all function as a whole, in unity. I know that’s a bit more ‘spiritual’ but isn’t the practical also spiritual? It’s all interconnected to me.

This said, as of June I had set a goal for July, before my trip overseas to bike to work everyday instead of transit. For one it’s good for the environment and two it’s good for meJ I also wanted to get out and play some soccer. It was the one sport I didn’t really have a chance to get into growing up but who wouldn’t enjoy running across a huge field for hours and kicking stuff? Okay so maybe some, but it sounded like a blast to me. Plus the World Cup probably contributed to my interest this year.

I did end up riding my bike and finally played a game of soccer. Last night I went out to play my first real (kind of) game of footie. It was a dream. I arrived to four teams to choose from, shirts or no shirst, by default of being a lady I got shirts. I think the ratio of guys to girls on the field was about 15:1. My first instinct was I can’t wait to show these guys I’m just as god as them. Oh that pride. But right in the middle of the final game for the win I got two pretty crappy injuries to my left leg. A kick to the quad muscle and then another to the ankle, right in the joint! I had to sit the end out and it was so frustrating, I don’t know what hurt more, my injury or the smack to my pride.

Also, just last weekend my bike was mangled by some jerk who attempted to either steel it or ran it over. My repair guy can’t tell. I forgive that jerk…urg! Today, I’m bikeless and taking the day off to ice and elevate. For me there’s nothing worse than having to sit still when all I want to do is play. There’s nothing I can do to get me out of this injury except rest. Oh that word, rest. Look, I’m even writing about it because I’m hoping that it will fix as I type so I can get back out there in the world where everyone is frolicking in the sunshine. At least in my head they are.

It’s often not until we can’t do something or can’t have something that we realize what was possible before the break.

If you have fully in tact limbs be grateful today and go on a run for me. This has made me realize just how much I miss the freedom of playing when I want to. Girls, lets start those pilates we've been talking about when I'm over this hump!

I guess my strength will have to learn something from the weakness I’m feeling today.

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise;

God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (1 Corinthians 1:27)

God’s Law?

I believe that the purpose of God’s law is to reveal to us as humans, just how impossible it is as well as ridiculous. I believe that God desires relationship soooo badly, that the trinity (Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit) have this gorgeous, pure, loving relationship that they ache for us to be apart of but we are the ones who like our rules, we like our rituals, we want to be on the RIGHT path. In all of our internal, subcontious religiosity we display these rights and rituals by using God’s ‘will’ to disguise our indecisiveness as people, we make God out in our own image to be small with fickle emotions that is kind one second and extremely pissed off the next.

Why do we do this? Why don’t we just allow our spirit to keep in step with God’s spirit? I think it may be because relationship can be tougher than rules, than frameworks and the nice cozy boxes we set up for ourselves. Doesn’t this negate the powerfulness of Christ when we do this? I mean, Jesus beat death, when he died and rose again it was obliterated and redemption was made accessible by EVERYONE, not just some…the ones who follow the rules. Forget that stuff. This amazing God who lives in inapproachable light, laughs in the face of death and doesn’t exist outside of community has welcomed us in and yet we continue to say we’d rather keep to our routines. ‘Lather, rinse, repeat’ as my friend and pastor, Andrew, mentioned this morning. What’s that Coldplay song? Death and all his friends: “No I don’t want to battle from beginning to end, no I don’t want a cycle of recycled revenge, I don’t want to follow death and all his friends.” Lets take these profound lyrics to heart and stop following fear and start walking in love.

The crazy irony of all this is that we think that by following the rules we somehow work our way to God, that somehow this trinity loves us more and stays with us when we keep on schedule, right on track, checking off our boxes; somehow we think this is easy but have you read Leviticus, it’s nuts and the law is impossible to keep. The God I know is close, not far, always. The God I know is for me not against me. The God I know thinks the best of us always, says “you are good” (Genesis 1:27-31). The God I know isn’t afraid of sin or intimidated by our mistakes; he took it on himself, that means he got close to it and beat it. Why? It harms us and that’s the reason that it’s no good because it hurts us. The God I know is always faithful with a love that is eternal and who holds everything together (check out Colossians 1:15-12). The God I know delights in us and loves us so much that freedom is what we’ve been given.

Love can’t control and manipulate but I think we as humans sometimes prefer to be programmed machines rather than free because it negates our responsibility to respond, to choose. We instead, myself included in this, act as though we have no choice as though they’ve all been made for us, but they haven’t. We get to choose. Where the spirit of God is there is freedom and the Spirit is EVERYWHERE, yet we somehow would rather build a relationship with rules than with the spirit. This also doesn’t mean that the solution is to go and break the rules (trust me my experience is story enough), breaking the rules still means we’re focused on the rules, we’re still trying to have a relationship with ritual.

As people we do weird superstitious stuff like saying that our crappy circumstances must be carma, must be what God’s will is, we blame God for our crazy beliefs. We wait for God to tell us what our next move should be as if we weren’t given a brain. I don’t mean to sound condescending but this is superstition not relationship. Could you imagine if in your relationship with your partner all you ever did was listen to what one person said? Absolutely no dialogue but rather command and control. That sounds abusive, not love.

I know God is misrepresented over and over again by us as humans but I think we should really get to know this trinity personally, on a deep level for ourselves. Sure, relationships take time and effort for them to be alive and well but they are the place where life grows.

“…your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.” –Colossians 1:10

What would happen if we started to believe that God is nicer than we think? What would happen if we really just meditated on how much we are loved, on how crazy God is about us? What would happen if we couldn’t help but see people as they really are in heavens eyes than in our own? I wrote this song a while ago where the bridge is:

“I’ll fight for my rights of loving you, I’ll file a petition to the world just to know you.

Being loved by you is changing this world, wasting my thoughts on you is changing this world”

I wrote this because sometimes I feel like I have to fight for my time with God, that precious time that is just us. I feel like I have to remind the stuff, the distractions and the fear around me that I have a right to love, that I will protest for this right to relationship, that I will file a petition that says I want to know God intimately no matter what. This may sound a bit extreme, this may sound nuts to you, but I want to be known for my love with God and our friendship. I don’t care if this is strange because it’s beautiful, as Aqualung would sing.

One of the questions that was posed to a bunch of us in our community at High Park church this morning was “Is life surprising you or has your God become predicable?

This was challenging to me as I pondered it. Anyone who knows me well knows that it’s very difficult to surprise me. I usually just tell them what I want and make sure that it’s all set up with no problems. I’m constantly asking tons of questions and wanting to know what’s going on behind my back. I asked God what that was all about this morning. It was timely because I am heading off to England in a couple weeks and most of the trip is pure mystery. God had told me that on this adventure I had to leave room for surprise so I’ve only planned it partly. The answer to my question this morning was that it’s tough to leave room for surprise because ‘to surprise someone and have it work out well, they have to trust that what will be given will be good.’ I think that if your anything like me, we’re afraid at times of being surprised with tragedy rather than beauty; expecting bad not a joyful expectation of good. So, we get accustomed to predictable so that we wont be disappointed. I think we need to trust that God is in love with us and has the best…more than we do, and if you’re anything like I was once, not believing in anything, ask your heart why? Perhaps you’ll find the decision was made by fear and not by love. We have to trust in something and if it’s not love then it’s fear.

Leunig “When I talk to you”—A cartoonist talks to God

There are only two feelings.

Love and Fear.

There are only two activities.

Love and Fear.

There are only two motives, two procedures,

Two frameworks, two results.

Love and Fear.

Love and Fear.

New Bed Sheets make me feel like a Queen!

I stopped by Kensington on my way home from work today and found the perfect sheets for my bed that I will eventually sew into a new bed spread but for now they are what they are.

It's way too late and I should be sleeping but lately I can't get to bed until 3:30 in the morning. Maybe it's because everyday feels like christmas eve with my trip to England fast approaching...hmm..eithey way it's kind of productive.

Here's a peek at the beginning of a new haven:

I love the tiny elephants. It's like the movie "Little Princess!"

And then there is me just goofing around with photo apps. Teehee. I kind of look alienish with the green tinge to my skin.

Alright, I think that's enough and I should at least try to sleep. Only 17 more sleeps until I'm flying over an ocean, EEEK!

Picaso and Lennon had a point!

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality."

~John Lennnon~

"At the break of day you sink into dream"

It's those days when you want to give up, completely. I mean throw in the towel...whatever that means. What's with the towel anyways and why am I holding it? Aside, sorry. Point being, it's those days when you just don't want to hope that are the most crucial to get behind the despair move it out of the way and DREAM!

So today I remember, I look discouragement in the face and say 'see ya.' I'm a dreamer! And they aren't the kind of dreams that just exist in my head, they're the kind that are alive and waiting for me to step onto them, like puddles.

What are your dreams, dreamer? Sink in...

"I am my beloved's,

And His desire is for me."

Song of Songs 7:10

Grace.

"When I get honest I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games....

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God's grace means." _Brennan Manning

Down by the lakeshore..

My tiger shot while doing some modeling in front of Lake Ontario for a friends accessory designs!

Oooo, and check this artist out while you're in Canada Day Spirit; He's from Ontario!

"Very First Time" is adorable:)

Happy Canada Day country!

Sitting with the stars...

This summer has been the start to dreams coming true. I mean, everyday is great simply because we get to breathe in this life but I've actually started to see the deep places of my heart make its way into reality. Life is such an adventure, one that's meant to be lived and not watched from a distanced or through another's. It's for you, right now, at this moment in time.

I often wonder if we spend too much time concerning ourselves with what's right that we miss what's in our hearts. Since I was a little girl I've wanted to go to London. I have no idea why? Perhaps it's because when I was in grade 1 this girl named Becky moved to our town and she had this adorable accent plus the coolest clothes ever. I was still in my ripped jeans with oversized t-shirts stage so her plaid pants and tight T was foreign. I thought she was from another galaxy or something. LONDON. It sounded so mysterious and strange to me. I was little so give me a break here. Basically, the dream has never left. My geography has gotten better so I understand where it is now but the mystery is still there. So, this August I am getting on a plane to take off to the UK. At this point my trip is just a plane ticket with some ideas of where I'll stay...I must admit, traveling alone to a destination unknown is a little freaky but sooooo exciting:) God knew I needed an adventure so here it is!

I know this is just the beginning to so much more. This year has all these prospects and new uncertainties but it's wonderful. I can't wait! I'm going into my last year of my undergrad, which means I'm finally going to graduate, Whoot! I have a trip to New York plus one to Vancouver that's in the works and then the East Coast for a 2011 family reunion next summer (ooo and there's more to that but I can't tell yet:) Not to mention the high park young adults church that is starting up in a few weeks. There is so much happening and yet without the presence of Love to enjoy it I know it would mean nothing. God keeps speaking to me about how the grass isn't greener on the other side. This doesn't mean that life doesn't get better when we finally step over that mountain we feel like we're climbing it just means that inside us there is an ache, we think that once we get here, there or to the many milestones we have in our minds that we will finally reach satisfaction. Yet, the longing will still be there, it's a soul thirst that I believe can only be quenched by water that is not from here. We need something that's outside of ourselves to tell us who we are and if it's not God then we'll let everything else define us.

I know that as I venture into this next part of my journey it would be worthless without a partnership with my greatest love. There are a few things I am still waiting to leap over in my life, thinking that once it happens all will be well. The kind response to pain is often, "this will pass." Wow, I do not like hearing that but it's true. A part of my conversation with God the other night went something like this:

G: "I wish you could see from where I am"...

J: "Then show me."

G: "You just need to sit with the stars."

J: "How do I get up there?"

G: "You float.."

J: "Oh yeah, because I float all the time *sarcastically said*"

G: "When all the stuff that's weighing you down lifts, floating is easy. Let me take care of the weights so you can see from a different place."

Maybe you think this to be some fictional conversation, or maybe you take it as a story with some truth. Either way it brought me peace knowing that as I let go of the stuff that weighs me down I am closer to sitting with the stars!