Thoughts from today...

I think if I really understood this love my life would look more radical than it currently does.

I guess all I can do for now is let my heart be filled to overflowing until it becomes a waterfall to those around me!

Jon Foreman Unplugged

Heavenly Father, you always amaze me
Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life
Give me the food I need to live through today
And forgive me as I forgive the people that wrong me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
Invade my heart, invade this broken town
The kingdom of the Heavens is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Royalty surrounded by straw

Now that I'm finished my first semester of exams, woohoo, I'm able to more thoroughly enjoy all that makes up the Christmas season. Sleeping at last just came out with collection of Christmas tunes (gorgeous!) and I've been stuck on O Holy Night. I've loved that one since I was a little girl but haven't fully heard it until recently. Last week while I was still in cram mode and preparing for a friends wedding (also gorgeous!) I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything around me. I knew rest was in sight but I was just exhausted and I'd been communing with books for about three weeks. I began to forget what it was like to chat with people. Basically, everything just felt lonely even though I was surrounded by friends, roommates, and strangers, somehow I just felt like I didn't fit, something just wasn't right. Why was I surviving in a world where I was made to live fully? God in all his gentleness answered these verses to my hearts inquiry:

"The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! "

Tears streamed down my face while I stood crammed in a subway, touching people I didn't know involuntarily, realizing that even though I was made for glory, for life, for love that there are times when we will lay lowly, where we'll have trials and need a friend who knows us in the deep, where our feebleness is familiar to that friend.

God was reminding me that I wasn't forgotten, that my dreams and desires haven't gone unnoticed, asking me to hope. Love was coming close in that moment and surrounding my confused heart with warmth and whispering 'I understand this feeling, I know what it's like.' Somehow knowing this eased the ache slightly, I suddenly became aware that this King once laid lowly in a manger with the promise of glory as His protection, knowing He was made for greatness yet surrounded by straw.

I was talking with my dad (Michael) the other day and sharing my thoughts with him, just being honest really, and because I was hurting all he wanted to do was fix the situation. He kept coming up with answers, analyzing how we could solve this ache in my heart. He’s such a kind and compassionate man, but this frustrated me. All my heart really needed was to share this break inside. He eventually realized this and sat beside me just squeezing my hand and telling me I was lovely. We humans are madly aware of our fractures and desperately want to be fixed and to fix, especially when someone dear to us is in need but I think that sometimes we just need to share the ache, to not try and fix each others ugliness, that will come, instead hold hands.

Jesus went on to make the ugly spotless, to dine with 'sinners', to turn water into wine, to multiply food, to restore the broken, to heal the sick and eventually beat death itself. In the end light wins, life is restored, but there is still a beginning and middle before the end. While in the middle we're made to share in our successes and failures, in our likes and dislikes, that's what it means to know and be known, the little stuff...

God cares!

It's the time of year where we are surrounded by masses of people rushing around to find that sweater they wont remember they bought, the streets shout 'consume, consume, consume' and the stress of all the events can get a bit tiring. It's easy to miss the individual in the crowd but God found me, on the subway, in the middle, just to tell me that He was there once too but He made it.

This season take sometime to remember, to just be with the people who are right here, right now, to tell stories and share in the little things that may mean nothing to us but everything to them. A friend was telling me just last night that he was surprised by the impact he's made on people and had no idea that by just being him he was changing lives. Don't wait until a crucial moment to tell someone how you feel, to encourage them, tell them when you notice the beauty in the moment. They probably need to be reminded.

We don't need to have it all together to be family. God loved us not because we are lovable but because we are unloveable. It was the cost he paid for us that deems us worthy. Meaning that making ourselves better doesn’t get him to love us more, but this should in many ways call us into better. Because of this grand expression of himself, we relate.

This Christmas don't get lost in the crowd or the hustle and bustle, listen for the silver bells. Remember:

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.” ~Matthew 6:30-33~

Dreaming...

After following Brook Fraser's twitter and hearing her talk of recording, I've been itching to write. Unfortunately all I'll be doing the next couple weeks is writing exams:( With the thought and utter bliss of being surrounded by nothing but music, I have been dreaming of the day when I will eventually do some studio time recording of my own. When that day comes I want it to be in a comfy space, full of life (probably hidden away near water and trees) and surrounded by inspiration.
This is what I'm gooing and gahing over right now...



...one step at a time!

Miner or Traveler?

I'm in this stats class for social science majors that looks at different research methods and a few weeks ago we were discussing all the different forms of interviewing and what's considered 'good' vs. 'bad' interviews. So we essentially spent 3 hours in a seminar chatting about the proper way to ask people questions. Wow when I think about it like that I can't believe I fork out money for this stuff. Anyways, the point is my Prof brought up two different ways you can approach an interview, one is as a miner and the other is as a traveler. This of coarse got me thinking; let me explain.

As a miner you are generally looking for something specific, spending days, weeks, months, even years searching out one thing, often under ground, in a dark and dungy space. For all intensive purposes lets say your looking for gold. So as your chipping away, digging, gold is on the mind, that's what your thinking about, nothing else. Where as, a traveler is on a grand adventure, taking in the surrounding, coming across all sorts of treasure. I suppose you could find gold while traveling but you'll also find opulent valuables along your journey. My point is that while mining may in the end give us what we're looking for, we may not end up with what we actually want, and could miss out on the beauty surrounding, the treasures that are right in front of us. This is not to encourage a lifestyle devoted to aimless wander with no goals. Procrastination and a life with no intention is not the idea here. This is also in no way meant to bash mining, well unless it's used to exploit other peoples resources for a profit, rather it's to encourage you to re-examine the way you think. Love is the ultimate goal and to start that we have to know the one who is Love. Albert Einstein said "logic will get you from A-Z; imagination will get you everywhere." I think in all of us there is a desire for this, for more.

Believe me, I'm a master miner, I love to dig. You see miners (in terms of interviewing) have their questions thought out, they already know what their looking for and even if the conversation takes a different turn they are unwilling to bend, to explore the new avenue., flexibility is not an asset to them, they're after a single answer. However, the closer I get to God, the more conversations we have, the more I realize that I'm actually being called to travel, to explore not just explain. God absolutely wants to give us answers to our questions and He promises that He will but most of all He wants to live life with us, to go on an adventure, and yes, adventures have conflict. As Peter Pan puts it "To love would be an awfully big adventure," and it's true, it is.

You see, I often bring my lists, my well thought out questions to God and ask him for answers and He usually answers with something that has nothing to do, at the time, with what I'm inquiring. This is not to confuse me, it's to help me consider that I may not be searching out the right thing. God has so much to teach us, to show us, we have to be willing to be taught though, to not think of it so much as an interview but as a conversation. In conversation, you don't know what will be asked, you don't go into it thinking about all the things your going to say or not say. Unless you rehearse what you're going to say in the mirror with yourself as I used to do as a kid, nervous that I might sound silly if I was talking to someone important (some of you will know what I'm talking about). Either way, we can still choose not to chat about certain stuff but with God it's safe. God's interested in being known, he doesn't just want to answer our questions.

So are you going to mine out information with your well thought out query or will you embrace this journey and discover something valuable even if you weren't looking for it? When all is said and done God is good, He loves you and wants you to know this in your heart. He will explain stuff to you, but as one of my favorite verses in Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "God has made everything beautiful in it's time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." If this is true, which I believe it is, then we can rest that all our muddles and pain will be made glorious, even if we don't understand beginning to end in this story!

For
"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by frost."
~J.R.R. Tolkien

Mr. Moon

Apparently two days ago NASA scientists discovered water on the moon, CRAZY! After all these years of believing it's this dry and barren world, life is found, water. Of course water would be where light is, both givers of life, we need them both to function.

Gregory Delory from University of California at Berkley says, "Rather than a dead and unchanging world, it could in fact be a very dynamic and interesting one."

Well no way Gregory! I can't believe we needed scientists to figure this one out, look around there is growth everywhere, we live in a transitory world where nothing is exactly as it seems at first glance. There are depths, layers, portals, there is life underneath our futile lands. Hidden beneath the surface of all that's revolving, orbiting, spinning; of all that's ugly, boring, and strange there is beauty that gives. As Coldplay would put it "questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart." Our hearts know the truth, we know the value of what lies beneath something or someone who doesn't seem to fit. We don't need science to tell us the 'truth,' it just helps confirm what's been there all along with facts. We are set apart for greatness, for others to find the life inside us.

I'll leave you with a poem I wrote to ponder this for yourself:

Mr. Moon
You are not as you seem.
Peeping out of darkness,
At times showing all of yourself,
Only to retreat behind the black of night.
All these years I've missed parts of you,
Sometimes seeing a harvest of vast yellow meets orange,
Others just grey on the backdrop of ebony.
You need not compete with the glory of the sun,
For life is what lay under your dry and barren land;
Waiting to burst forth,
To reveal the one who beheld you.
Before I was allowed to see you in all your splendor,
You provided tantalizing clues
That traces of hydrogen marked your walls.
Now we know life is there.
You may want to be left alone,
Hanging in empty space;
Oh moon, torrid like desert,
Don't hide - sparkle beneath your bones.
You give us hope,
We inquire,
Will the essence of what's inside ourselves bring life?
No matter how brittle, raw or coarse,
The definition of you and me doesn't come from outside,
Rather from that who is LIFE, from within.

Unexpected exit signs...

Wouldn't it be nice if while we were on this journey called life there was road signs directing us to change, if there was notice of the next exit called 'change?' Sure we having inklings that change is on the way, little warnings that things wont stay as they are and yet we are still surprised when it happens. Or at least I know I am.

With Autumn still here
Leaves still transfiguring
I've been thinking...
Everyday, every hour, every minute, every second,
Our colour changes due to our weather conditions.

Obviously most of us know this. Seasons change, things shift, there's movement all around us, there's transformation within us. However, I just can't seem to get used to it.
Maybe an appropriate question is, am I supposed to? If I'm used to change is it change anymore?

The reason I'm mulling over this is because there has been a lot, and I mean A LOT of change in my life as of late. It's not bad but it's definitely uncomfortable. I was up chatting with God a few weeks ago and telling him that it's just too much at once, I feel like I'm dying. He responded with "oh my sweets, you're not dying it's just your comfortability." You can only imagine my reaction. My comfortability was meeting it's grave and I wasn't very impressed. Although, after some serious processing I understand a bit better. I wasn't dying but this thing, this stuck in familiarity thing was. I realize that God wasn't trying to prevent me from feeling relaxed, safe or anything like that, but rather this was about recognizing that when life shows up wearing uncomfortable with an unexpected accessory, God is the comforter.

My safety
My security
The one who is unchanging
The same, forever,
The I AM!

This is something that I've been learning on this journey and that I'm sure I will continue to unpack as I re-open my suitcase.
When I was in grade 6 I had to pick a speech topic to present for the end of the year. It was my first year at a new school where I knew no one. While all my peers were choosing topics like "the movies," "music" or "cats," I chose change. My topic was change. I don't really remember too much of what I said but I do remember feeling like change left me without the things, people, and places I'd gown to love. I guess this transmitted to when change happens love is lost.

Now, if this is the case, while driving down the road of life and a change exit sign comes up who in their right mind would take it? That kind of logic is insane.

The lovely thing is that God so kindly reminded me that I was looking at it all backwards. That instead of looking at what I lost when change happened I needed to look at all that was gained. He was like "Glory to glory babe." Plus, since God is love, doesn't change and nothing can separate me from him I can live in transition because inside this mess he's right beside me, never changing who he is. My constant, my unfailing.

I mean change is scary, there's a lack of control and although our situations may be terrible, sometimes we stay in them because their familiar; at least we know what to expect; at least we have control over bad. You see, when we fight change it still happens, maybe not on the outside but it takes a toll on our hearts. The changes will happen inside regardless, what will your results be? A functional heart or a hard one? Life or death? We actually stop love when we don't allow change because love and control can't chill out together. God was right, as usual...I had it very backwards.

So maybe you've heard all this before and that's alright. I've just been pondering it in my heart, as I often do, and wanted to share it with you because living a life of love isn't safe, secure, and consistent; it's radical, capricious, and freckled!

If we're going to actually LIVE in this journey and not just survive we need to start enjoying the scenery on the exits of change because we're not the only ones on the road. There's plenty of beauty to see, and I'm sure what you see while peering out the window with Love will be unexpected. Let God drive so you can look out the window, don't miss it.

God I need an editor! I'll leave you with wise words by C.S. lewis, he will say what I intended in way less words than me...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries: avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

The launch of a new exploit

Although it's nearly winter lets go cliff jumping!

This is officially my first piece of writing to ever air publicly on the internet. It's strange to be typing this after a few years now of just imagining it in my mind. I don't know about you but I can get lost up there sometimes, in my mind I mean, just daydreaming about all the wonderful things I could be doing. Before I know it I've gone through 10 careers, travelled europe, had children and eaten my favorite meal all within hours of a confined space in my brain. This may sound absolutely ridiculous but it's what happens, a lot. So why now?

Well first off, anyone who knows me is very aware that I write ALL the time. I have an absurd amount of hand written journals with tons of stuff that i'll never show anyone. Most of it is just conversations with God about life, basically it's for Him and me, but some of it could be for others, I suppose. I've decided that it's about time that I take pen to paper-turned into-fingers to keyboard and create a blog.

Secondly, I spent the afternoon at the ROM looking at the dead sea scrolls. Men spent years writing on paper that could have been destroyed had it not been preserved properly. Tucking their discoveries away in a safe place so people could uncover it thousands of years later and I can't start a blog with a built in security system + template. Really?

Thirdly, I'm currently in what would be the busiest part of my school year (studying International Development) and so naturally I am finding wonderful mini escapades to procrastinate. This happens to be one of those adventures or should I say misadventures. While traveling down this procrastination trail the other day, I realized Donald Millers new book was out, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (highly recommended). So I stayed up until way past my bedtime reading the first 9 chapters on google books. Naturally I had to purchase it the next day. One of the things he really focuses on is the aspect of story telling. He says that in a good story a character wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. Well I want to live a good story and for years now I have let the fear of putting my thoughts out there to all you people (wait I don't even have people yet..?) so just out there to be scrutinized, stop me from starting. I realize now just how silly this is but this fear managed to paralyze me until now! Isn't that the way it goes, we wrap ourselves in ropes of fear, attempting to ensure our safety but in the end we're just tied up, left wanting the thing we feared.

I guess I just don't want to be tied up, freedom is much nicer.

After a long process of deciding what to write about myself, the picture to use, the title to suit me....blahblahblah. Here it is. The funny thing is I will most likely fiddle around with this before getting it right, that's just how life goes. We try stuff, some stuff works, some doesn't, sometimes we fall, but when you know you don't have to lift yourself up alone after a splat, it's not scary to start moving, or jump in some cases. This is the start to God picking me up after quite a big fall. Sure I'm nervous, a bit scared, feeling a pinch vulnerable but it's exciting, it's new.

Just a few months ago I was in Maui and spent the afternoon on a private yacht with some close girlfriends of mine. About mid day I decided to swim out to big rock (it's this BIG ROCK in Lahaina) and jump off. I climbed to the top and once I was up there all the local boys were cheering me on but my heart was racing. It was my choice to jump, I didn't have to, no one was making me do it but something inside me just wanted it. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it if I looked forward, so I turned my head looked at the boys behind me and just walked off. It was a rush but the impact shocked my body. Of course I climbed back up to go for another dip. For some reason though it was harder the second time. I don't know if it was the anticipation, knowing what was coming and that it wasn't exactly comfortable or if cliff jumping is always just a little unnerving. Either way I would do it again in a second but if I had of kept my ropes on their would have been no way for me to swim back to the top of the water once I'd jumped.

I say cut off your ropes of fear and in the words of Barcelona:

"Get up I need you!"
The world needs you...