Living in the Oasis!

My 'Bro' Andrew and me before performing at Speak Your Heart Out! (Thanks Chols:)

Last week was an extremely busy week. It's the middle of March and everything that could be happening is happening at the same time. I have final projects, film reviews, video editing, major research essays, mini weekly journals due and thats just school stuff. Yet in the middle of it all I found time to live outside of the mundane "sleep, eat, repeat."

Last Wed. night Copeland played at the Opera House in Toronto and after a friend of mine hunted down a ticket for me on craigslist I spontaneously decided to go. (Thanks Jobin:) GOOD CHOICE! The show was amazing. After all it's their last tour together as a band:( Not only are these guys incredibly talented musicians, with lyrics so honest they're disarming but they are extremely personable. Well there's a plug for the band if you don't know them.

They have this song from their oldest album called "Love is a Fast Song" and some of the Lyrics go like this:

You don't have to be ashamed
'Cause you're a miracle through and through
Oh, and you don't have to be ashamed
Of the miracle inside of you

What has love become?
(What has love become?)
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
(And it's not like yours)
What has love become?

...your love is in motion
And it's spinning me around, yeah
...my heart is in motion
For the movement that's in you

You should not be angry
If all she wants is your money
Oh, you should not be angry
'Cause all you want is her body

What has love become?
(What has love become?)
It's not like we used to hear in those old songs
And it's not like yours
(And it's not like yours)
What has love become?

Right in the middle of all this stuff that just seems so fast I can relate to the emotion behind this. My heart has been begging the question "What has love become?" I know I blog about love a lot. I guess it's because it's a BIG deal. Love is meant to be our source, how can we love each other if we ourselves don't understand true love? One that's larger than just romance, although that's a part of it. Loved people, LOVE! Hurt people, HURT!

I ended up playing some of my original music at a fundraiser for Nellie's Women Shelter in Toronto on Friday night and it was incredible once I mustered up the bravery to walk on stage and sing my heart out. Before I went on stage though I was scared, intimidated and wasn't sure if I could sing sappy love songs that were a clothing line holding stories of identity, worth, dreams, and poetic responses to the source of all that is good. I began to devalue my femininity as I stood amongst pronounced feminists, all of whom were extremely talented. Yet I didn't have a bibliography to my lyrics, I didn't have a list of people to validate my experiences with God and music, I didn't have a correct language or proper structure for academia, but I did have a love story to tell. One that didn't talk of what that word has become. It's a transaction now with underlying messages that whisper "Here's my body for your company" or "Here's my all for your money," in our minds love rings 'TAKE.' This is not what it's meant to be.

This year my research has consisted of the interconnection of the global political economy of sex and the value of a human being. What are we teaching this generation? I realize that there are contradictions to almost everything today; there are two sides; other perspectives. A feminist lens looks at everything so intricately, yet very contradictory and still embraces it. I say that there is a consistency in this inconsistency, there is a constant still! I understand that in research aimed at the acceptance by the world of academia I need a Works Cited, proper language, that my argument must be formed around a specific lens with assumptions thought out. Yet in my music you wont find that, you'll find stories of my relationship with my Source of creativity and the people in my life. Love, this word that dares not to be mentioned in school, you wont find it's epistemology in the textbooks, you have to live it!

Music has been this constant for me in life. Before living in High Park I moved over 8 times in 2 years after leaving home at 17. Then since being in one spot for 3 years I've had over 15 roommates. That's A LOT of transition! Sure melodies change, rhythm forms, and lyrics tell a story but the source that speaks this language is constant, good and true even when the circumstances say otherwise. I've found an oasis in music, in writing and communing with God.

I'm not too sure why I'm writing this today. I guess because I've experienced the counterfeit love. I don't have the same story as all the women that gathered in that room on Friday night but I am a woman with a story. My femininity has a voice as well. Why should I become masculinized to compete to be heard?

What I do understand is that our responses to what's been done to us can be one of forgiveness-- saying what's been done is by NO MEANS right, but I choose to forgive and release you so that I am not held in prison of rage-- spinning in circles of judgment and resentment. I'd consider myself a feminist, all about the equality of men and women but not at the expense of masculinity so torn to shreds that the masculine strength is rejected when it comes to helping. The dualistic qualities with the two sexes must stop-- Men strong, fierce, brute: women, fragile, nurturing, gentle-- it doesn't work that way. Most of my guy friends are the ones cooking in the kitchen while the ladies are out 'bringing home the bacon'...hmm. Does this make these men less masculine and these women less feminine by our polarized definitions? We must get to a place of working together not against each other, embracing the differences; love. Men aren't the enemy, it's the deceit that is! This is a journey, one that will take time but I hope that we can all find the oasis while traveling together.

"I won't be ashamed of this miracle inside me...my heart is in motion for it's movement.."

Faithful Flowers

So I took the beginning of the week off. I ended up playing hooky on Monday because I watched the Olympic games on Sunday and went out to celebrate with pals later that evening. Monday rolled around and the sun was shining. Something inside me leaped when I woke up and my huge bay window had light peering into my room and unto my cheek pressed against my pillow. I attempted to get up and finish my journal for class but just felt like I could take the day off. I don't do this, in fact haven't done this all year. However, every once in a while a change in routine generated by a stirring of the usual is needed; an adventure to break up the ground.

I spent the day strolling through high park in rain boots so that I could press my feet into the thinly frozen ice and sink into the muddy ground as the water seeped through the cracks. It was beautiful. Everything around me was defrosting, streams of run off were all around me and I couldn't help but feel alive while surrounded by so much of the earth bursting forth beneath me. I know this is very descriptive but I don't know how else to paint this picture because for me it's been a LONG winter. We haven't had tons of snow and it hasn't even been that cold, however, the dreariness and blah of grey skies were beginning to get to me. I began to think "this wait is worth it, life is on the way; a new thing springs up."

On my trek through the park I felt God draw very close to me, reminding me of all that's been growing under the surface of frozen ground compounded by heavy snow. There is movement, growth and vitality beneath it all. As my being was still to listen, with ears perked to what God wanted to say, my heart began to melt in His presence. I was being reminded of my innate need that my body, soul and spirit is constantly yearning for as I looked out at creation doing the same. Water was bursting forth from the ground and everything that's been hidden throughout the dead cold of winter was aching to be seen, groaning. In Romans 8:20-25 (The Message) it says:

"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"...

That's why I don't think there's any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what's coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens.

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it's not only around us; it's within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We're also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy."

This is what it means to live with HOPE. This passage is lovely and if you get a chance read it all together; take it in; chew on it! My NLT version goes on to say in brackets that "If we already have something, we don't need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently." Isn't this exactly what the flowers do all winter long, they hope for the sunshine, for rains so that new life can come forth. I realize that this is an analogy with cultural context seeing that not everywhere in the world there is winter. Yet, I'm grateful for the seasons because they teach me about the journey and the process of waiting.

One of my favorite songs by Brooke Fraser is "Faithful," which is listed above. The lyrics are gorgeous. The thing is that I can't always feel God's presence like I want. My circumstances don't always reiterate that God is for me (Micah 7:10), that God is good (Nahum 1:7), that God draws near to us (Jeremiah 31:3) and that God remains Faithful when we are faithless (2 Timothy 2:13). Although, God is not a man that He would lie; His promises fulfill (Numbers 23:19).

Nothing in my circumstances had changed on Monday as I strolled through the park. If anything I was worse off for skipping out on lecture and getting a bit behind. Yet, in the deep place of me there was this rest that knew these promises are true.

"When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray...

As I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful."

I'll remain faithful, as the flowers do through winter in their yearning!

Freedom! The way I've come to see it...

Take the photo as you see it. There is a sentimental meaning for me but it will be different for you.

“Love consents to all and commands only those who consent. Love is abdication. God is abdication.” –Simone Weil

My mom recently reminded me that when I was about two years old I would read the story about Moses leading the Egyptians out of slavery in some kids version of Exodus. When it got to the part where he faced Pharaoh to challenge authority I would yell “LET MY PEOPLE GO!” She said I had this strong sense of injustice even as a little girl, cheeky. Well not much has changed. The thing is that I think all of us want freedom, that everyone can point out injustice, it’s just that we don’t all agree on what that is. What if we don’t ever come to agree? Should that deny humanity freedom? For the sake of every person’s dignity and the human heart, I think not!

TRUE freedom is internal not external. This doesn’t mean that what happens on the outside doesn’t matter. This doesn’t mean that poor working conditions, racial oppression, sexism, gender inequalities, malnutrition, disease, environmental degradation, and so much more are to be ignored. Just say no to ignorance. However, what happens inside our hearts on a deep personal level, at the core of who we are when we dialogue with Love, with the trinity who offers grace and mercy without neglecting justice, is where freedom can be found. This is what changes people, this is what moves people beyond comfort. God’s power is internal and noncoercive; Love does not abuse and force, it requests response. Our choices don’t earn love (Grace), our choices matter for the sake of freedom (Justice).

In Phillip Yancey’s book, “The Jesus I Never Knew” he talks about his visit to the Soviet empire in 1991 when it was crumbling and the entire nation was trying to rediscover itself. Freedom was being controlled under communist rule but for a ‘good’ cause. In many ways it really was for the common good, so that people could have equality. Yancey mentions his conversation that he had with the editors of Pravda, the former mouthpiece to the communist party. He explains that with the fall from grace that this party had taken the editors seemed “earnest, sincere, searching---shaken to the core,” because some were asking advice from those who were considered “the opiate of the people,” Christians. Yancey follows with:

“The editors remarked wistfully that Christianity and communism have many of the same ideals; equality, sharing, justice, and racial harmony. Yet they had to admit the Marxist pursuit of that vision had produced the worst nightmares the world had ever seen. Why? ‘We don’t know how to motivate people to show compassion,’ said the editor-in-chief. ‘We tried raising money for the children of Chernobyl, but the average Russian citizen would rather spend their money on drink. How do you reform and motivate people? How do you get them to be good?”

Aren’t these questions that the Marxists Communists were asking the same ones our Neoliberal Global Capitalists are asking today? How do we get people to be good? Perhaps WE can’t.

In my Anthropology class we discuss the history of ‘citizenship’ and all it entails. Too much to get into in a blog, I need a book I suppose. Basically, getting people to be ‘good’ is the driving force of most international citizenship today. I’m not bashing helping people. I myself am hosting a clothing swap fundraiser this weekend. What I am getting at is that our HEARTS matter; what’s happening on the inside. Academics have a nice word for it called ‘critical reflexivity,’ where we as social scientists are told to self-access when performing research to attempt to avoid bias moving us to a more intersubjective stance. BLAH blah blah. In everyday language that would be ‘Check your motives and prejudices’ and in Christianese that would be “Where’s your heart?” Now all of this is great but people stop doing this when what they find isn’t so nice? What happens when we discover that our hearts actually are pretty messy gardens that need some clean up? No one is perfect. I don’t think the solution is striving to be better; instead it’s having a friend who is Love, to be honest with in order to change our hearts and in turn our beings experience of life. Where does this leave us?

I had this experience in my second year of University where I was putting on my mascara, looking at myself in the mirror completely concerned with all the terrible things going on in the world. Hence, being an IDS major but then I heard, very clearly, God say “Jessica, you’re trying to fix the world and the people in it when you’re heart is the one that needs fixing.” This was a major point of conviction in my life and a mark on my journey I hold close.

True, sacrificial, grace filled LOVE compels people. However, can we be patient in our passion. I don’t have it all right, but I’m learning, getting to know God intimately as well as the people around me. Yet I do know that freedom comes in relationship, healing happens in community, through commitments. There is no binary, polarized, black and white solution. Although, I’d love that, math formulas were always easier for me than expression, they were safe. The thing is it’s hard to resist shortcut solutions, especially when culture is full or them.

This said, I refuse to be ‘good’ because it’s my duty as a citizen to do so, or because I’m being forced to through some form of slavery. Bottom line, WE’RE not the judges of good, but we often need some help acknowledging what’s up inside us. Should we start helping out a country like Haiti when a natural disaster hits because all eyes of surveillance are on us to do so? Oh wait, the Olympics are on so I’m sure Haiti is history now.

Listen, I realize that it isn’t so simple, that we have procedures, and security protocols to abide by. I realize how complicated we’ve made this but really, what happened to genuinely caring about the people in front of us? How do we care for our sons, our moms, our dads, our sisters, our roommates, our friends, our local community, or our enemies to our beliefs? Who are we responding to? I don’t want to sound like I’ve got it all together but I have personally seen freedom in my own families life through choosing forgiveness by a hand of grace. My heart here is to see relationships free from shame, fear and control. If you’ve figured it out that’s cool, that's your agency. I’m just saying I needed some help because striving to be heard through frustration, bitterness and resentment wasn't working!

Are we willing to respond to a power that is free from fear, greed or the promise of security in the ways we’re so used to by authorities unperfected? Don’t give up because it’s not easy and don’t be afraid to change and surround yourself by people who wont just tell you what you want to hear. We need each other. We need to know God is so for us and for our freedom that he granted us the power to live as though he doesn’t exist, if we’d prefer. Are we okay living this way, without, missing?

“Goodness cannot be imposed externally, from the top down; it must grow internally, from the bottom up.” -Phillip Yancey

Loving beyond reason...

When my mind can’t comprehend God…when justice isn’t in sight…

…I wait…I trust…

I think it’s strange how finite beings like us can spend a lifetime trying to understand the mystery of an infinite God. Yet, I still do it, I can’t help it. Something inside me yearns to know, to grasp the complexities and the simplicity of the uncreated creator. My heart aches for more, the life inside me beckons for revelation. Lately I’ve had to ask myself, why do I long for this? Is it to prove to myself and to others that God is real or is it because I want evidence so I don’t have to trust?

Trust! This is a word that can go hand in hand with faith. Someone once said (I can’t remember who right now) that it’s one thing to believe in the existence of something but it’s a whole other level of faith to trust in someone. I didn’t really get this at the time that I heard it. However, while falling in love with Jesus I began to see the difference between believing that God is the ‘I AM,’ the creator; that God exists and placing my heart in his hands to guard, to keep safe so that I can be me with no walls; I could come undone in His presence, letting Him know my heart, both desires and fears. This is a different level of faith, the kind that must have love at the centre, a love that isn’t rational and can’t be confined to the logic of my brain. This is ‘tough love.’

I think it’s Valentines day by now, seeing as I’m typing this at 2:30 am. Coffee at night is not a good idea…eek! The point to this is that I’ve really been struggling with Christianity lately. I mean Christians don’t exactly have the greatest rep in history. Sure we’ve done some great things but we’ve also done some shitty things, and they’ve been done in God’s name. This makes my heart sad. I get pretty angry at times and I don’t really want to be apart of all the ridiculous things that Christianity often supports. Yet, I cannot shake this love that I have for Jesus, somehow in His presence I feel at ease, my soul rests and trust is sewed. I think the reason that the pious Pharisees thought of him uncouth and worldly was because God incarnate was human and made others feel at ease to be such. The Pharisees realized they weren’t God in His presence, that they were in fact human and that offended them. Sorry if this is offensive, I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I just want to express my frustrations in hopes that people will see that we aren’t perfect; that we haven’t always lived by what we say; that humanity is made for dignity, worth, and value but we haven’t always treated people that way. I mean, many people have been hurt by us Christians, and for that I’m sorry.

I am a very high mover and for those of you who know life languages you’ll know what that means. Basically the main question my filter is asking is “what’s your motive?” I’m interested in integrity: consistency throughout, and when I can’t see that I usually take on an offence, even if it’s others that have been hurt and not myself directly. This can be a great quality in that I’m often moved with compassion to do something about the things being done poorly, but it can also be a hindrance in that I’m constantly in want of justice. Justice isn’t bad; we all want it, although, when we close our hands to mercy and grace, it can be toxic obsession. The reason I say this is that mercy requires us to be willing to see the other’s side and grace requires forgiveness when the other’s side has hurt us. The people I’ve had the hardest time forgiving in my life are in fact Christians. I guess it’s because I expected them to know better because they loved God and therefore should act like it. The reality is that we are broken vessels and even Christians mess up, a lot actually. This doesn’t excuse bad behavior or wrongs but it does reveal that we are all in need of a love that is greater to rescue us, to reconcile us to each other and to walk with us through this struggle to bring us life.

Love, has so many meanings. It’s been used improperly as well as wholeheartedly. Some have experienced the former, the latter or both. It’s an emotion, an action, a word, it’s God; love is very abstract and somehow concrete. Why am I talking about love now? Because without it we miss the point to wanting justice, to showing mercy and to offering grace.

The reason we celebrate Valentines day is because one man risked his life in the name of love. Saint Valentine is said to be a marter who died while fighting for the rights of single men in 3^rd Century Rome under Claudius II rule. At this time it was illegal for single men to marry because Claudius was building up an army, and he believed that married men didn’t make good soldiers. However, Valentine so believed in the power of relationship, that he continued to perform marriage ceremonies anyways. Eventually he was caught, thrown into jail and later killed. But on the eve of his execution he sent the very first ‘valentine’ to his beloved, the jailors daughter, and it read “From your Valentine. So regardless of whether this is all fact, he still died believing in something greater than himself, greater than something his mind could understand; he died for LOVE.

This is all to say that I think we must start walking this out together, even when we may not agree on everything. If we don’t start to dialogue with each other, to find common ground and share our love in the way that we’d actually die for each other rather than kill for our own gain and moral conducts than what’s the point to life?

As Shakespeare says beautifully:

“The quality of mercy is not strained.

I droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven…

And earthly power doth then snow likest God’s

When mercy seasons justice.

~ The Merchant of Venice

Ask and let breath in...

"The Children's Song" - Josh Garrels from Josh Garrels on Vimeo.

In this world you will have trouble.

But Jesus overcame the world.

And our body is His Temple.

And we will worship forever more.

Music is sweet and soothing to our souls. It has a way of drawing us in, it's the language of beauty that can tend to aches in ways that none else can. It reminds us of something more, of infinite creativity, of life. This is who I'm listening to right now and he's incredible. I think I’m partial to artists who don't open their mouths much when they sing...hahha. Really though, there is heart to this music and Josh is a brilliant musician. Check his stuff out!

For those of you who don't know me well, I'm an International Development student. I’m in the middle of deciphering how I’m going to bring my love for music, songwriting and story telling, into all this. God’s slowly unraveling it. One of the reasons I'm in this program is because I'm interested in people, passionate about justice and tenacious when it comes to sharing a piece of Love that I've had the honor of getting to know. However, the program can be quite trying at times, a bit despondent to say the least, causing me to raise a ton of questions, wondering how there can be so much suffering in the world? God often has to remind me that he is BIG and this stuff isn't too much for him to handle.

I'm a pretty curious gal, constantly asking for new insight. I think that in our journey with God it's so crucial to continuously inquire. He can take care of our questions and wants to share His heart. It's better to be someone who is consciously seeking out new revelation, even if it takes time for answers, than comfortable in the coffin of a boxed mind.

I've been challenged lately to begin to ask for God's heart for his kids. You see worship comes from a place that is giving, willing to offer, and when we approach God with an open heart, ready to listen and not just hand over our lists, He begins to share His secrets; the great mysteries of Heaven. One of my favorite proverbs is 25:2:

"It's the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings."

As royalty, inheritance is a given; inquiry is our glory. Pray into the change you desire to see, God will give you his heart on the matter. Even if all you've got are coals to start off with, God will breath on those coals and create a fire if you let Him. This fire of love will compel you to act, to worship with your whole self. I'm currently in the process of organizing a clothing swap fundraiser for 'Not for Sale' (don't worry if you haven't gotten an invite yet, they're going out Friday). Not for Sale is an anti-trafficking movement that is adamant about raising awareness about the sex-trafficking industry and providing support for victims. This is a huge grievance that God has placed on my heart, to the point that I'm currently spending the majority of my undergraduate research on finding the holes in the system. It's a weighty subject and I’ve been in tears over it more than once this semester. God reminded me that if this is how I felt, imagine how he felt, he wants to see freedom more than I do, and that's A LOT!

In 1833 the Britsh empire legally abolished the slave trade. In 1981 the US went to war over it. In 2010 Human trafficking is one of the largest businesses in the world and comprises over 27 million people in what’s now known as modern day slavery. 80% are sex trafficking victims where women are forced to service over 40 men a day. Every 30 seconds another person becomes a victim. The average age of a victim is 14, some as young as 4. The main option out, death. 99% of the victims aren’t freed…yet! –A21-

Also, I want to be clear, this desire to combat slavery is in no way an attack on those involved in the sex trade. I think people's hunger and desire for love, intimacy and the unknown are counterfeited by the option of false freedom hidden by the name of another.

"The Apostle Paul gave us an excellent example to follow when he went into Athens (Acts 17:22-31); he used the people’s desire for the unknown to bridge them to the True and Known God, Jesus Christ."

What would happen if people began to realize that their bored because their energy is being used up in slavery in the name of 'sexual liberation,' when the real appetite is for love, giving not taking. Hmm...

The reason I quoted Josh Garrels Children's song above is because God doesn't promise that in this world we wont have trouble, but He does fulfill His promise to overcome the world. He makes a way, Light wins, Love conquers! In all this conflict we've been promised victory, which is amazing and my hope is in the one who beat death! Lets do this thing together, as a body of children who house the presence of God, who will live lives of worship in spirit and truth.

Where do you need breath?

Oh and I have to give credit to Sam Radics for discovering this dude:) Love you hunny!

Too much thinking lately...

Lately I have been bombarded with assignments, reading non-stop and filling my brain with empty theories. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that people think and absolutely, you should have a right to an idea but enough is enough. So much talk and not enough action. Love is a verb for a reason, it implies that there is action, people actually do stuff. Wow, what a concept?

This hit me hard today though and as I was sitting in a 4 hour seminar listening to our wonderful development theories, going back and forth on all the possible biases, I realized I'm in an educational incubator and missing the need going on around me, like Haiti for instance. Isn't it ironic that we're going over all the past mistakes of history, trying to prepare for them so we don't mess up again and then a disaster hits that we couldn't account for and many of the future workers are all sitting inside a classroom still discussing the discourse. Wouldn't we learn more if we just collaborated together and did something about the disaster at hand, right now, rather that rolling over the same depressing issues of old.

This is definitely a bit of a rant and less of a well put together piece of writing, however, after this week it's needed!

When I woke up this morning I took about 15 minutes just to chill with God. Sadly, that's about all the extra time I can spare right now. Yet of coarse God still met me in my crazy schedule and reminded me this:

'

While knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens and edifies." 1 Corinthians 8:1b

Now it's interesting because it doesn't say that knowledge is bad, it says that it makes us feel important, which also implies that being important doesn't relate to knowledge, rather it's a simple fact of identity. YOU ARE IMPORTANT! Not because of how much or what you know but because you are, you matter. The unfortunate part is that people don't believe this because today we spend so much time attaining knowledge, getting our qualifications and gold stars rather than just loving people. Again learning isn't bad, it's actually a really good thing but I think Paul was warning us here that although something may make us feel something great, like important, what will actually sustain us is love, beyond just a feeling, but to know intimately and be known.

Anyways this was still on my heart from this morning and was filtering into my thoughts before bed so I decided to share my rant.

What do you think about the whole knowledge/love thing?

Grocery Shopping

You know something’s up when the simple task of grocery shopping and making dinner is completely overwhelming. Am I alone in this one?

As new years past, so did a lot of other stuff. 2009 was an interesting, surprising and extremely stretching year for me. Lets just say I grew tremendously and yet in many ways I feel like I’ve gone backwards. Basically, I was single, had long hair and in University a couple of years ago and 2010 I’m still in what looks like that same spot, but it’s not. My situation is familiar, in many ways the same but the difference is me. I’m just beginning to see this. Sometimes I think we have to choose to go back to things we left, even if it’s scary, because it’s there we see just how much we’ve changed, that we aren’t circumstances of our past!

This said, I think it can be easy to believe that because we are back in familiar territory we missed out or did something wrong along the way. I know I’ve spent some time wondering how I ended up back in this place where life seems like a pile of books, teapots, and meals on the go. I mean, I thought I’d at least mastered the cooking part.

It’s been hard to watch some of my dearest friends move forward into very different seasons than myself, some to careers, many to marriage, and for others just new hair styles. The point is I’m not where they are, but the other side of that is they aren’t where I am. What I’m trying to get at is if I spend my time desiring to be somewhere that I’m not supposed to be, I miss the place I’m in, which is absolutely beautiful, not pain free, but beautiful.

A conversation I had tonight went like this and it totally caught me off guard:

Jane (not real name): I guess I’m afraid to commit to him, to commit to anything really, I mean how do I know I’m not going to miss out?

Jessica: You don’t but if you’re constantly afraid to commit because of fear that you’ll miss something good, you may just miss out on the opportunity staring you in the face.

Jane: coy smile (as if to say, look who’s talking)

Now this is not a conversation about commitment and relationships so much as it is about our hearts being at rest with where we are. We are meant to be FREE not thinking something or someone else will make us feel free. So to everyone reading this, enjoy your place right where you are now. If you're single know that it’s not forever but it’s a lovely gift to get to know yourself better, to grow in friendships, to develop new talents. If married tell your love why you chose them, we all need reminders, even if it’s been said a thousand times.

Okay so this blog has turned out to be a bit more about not comparing ourselves to others and less about my grocery shopping issue but isn’t that the way it goes sometimes. We begin to reflect and while sightseeing through retrospect we notice that as rob bell says, this is actually about that. Perhaps grocery shopping felt exhausting because my heart was wishing I didn't have to cook for one, just a thought.

If I could say one thing for 2010 it would be it’s going to be a year of lots of JOY! That feeling of no matter where you are or what you're doing you are alive. So I'll laugh out loud, step into this great dance and hum a new tune because of the one I'm doing it with and not what surrounds.

It’s time to do some groceries now and when we know we’re not alone, that God actually wants to hang out with us while we're doing something as simple as grocery shopping, suddenly it's not just grocery shopping, it's being where we need to be with someone wonderful. Everyone needs to eat sometime!

“Just knowing that you’re here with me now, it changes everything…When my heart just can’t figure out what it wants, please give me a reason to trust you’ll still fight for me.” ~Laura Hackett~