When my mind can’t comprehend God…when justice isn’t in sight…
…I wait…I trust…
I think it’s strange how finite beings like us can spend a lifetime trying to understand the mystery of an infinite God. Yet, I still do it, I can’t help it. Something inside me yearns to know, to grasp the complexities and the simplicity of the uncreated creator. My heart aches for more, the life inside me beckons for revelation. Lately I’ve had to ask myself, why do I long for this? Is it to prove to myself and to others that God is real or is it because I want evidence so I don’t have to trust?
Trust! This is a word that can go hand in hand with faith. Someone once said (I can’t remember who right now) that it’s one thing to believe in the existence of something but it’s a whole other level of faith to trust in someone. I didn’t really get this at the time that I heard it. However, while falling in love with Jesus I began to see the difference between believing that God is the ‘I AM,’ the creator; that God exists and placing my heart in his hands to guard, to keep safe so that I can be me with no walls; I could come undone in His presence, letting Him know my heart, both desires and fears. This is a different level of faith, the kind that must have love at the centre, a love that isn’t rational and can’t be confined to the logic of my brain. This is ‘tough love.’
I think it’s Valentines day by now, seeing as I’m typing this at 2:30 am. Coffee at night is not a good idea…eek! The point to this is that I’ve really been struggling with Christianity lately. I mean Christians don’t exactly have the greatest rep in history. Sure we’ve done some great things but we’ve also done some shitty things, and they’ve been done in God’s name. This makes my heart sad. I get pretty angry at times and I don’t really want to be apart of all the ridiculous things that Christianity often supports. Yet, I cannot shake this love that I have for Jesus, somehow in His presence I feel at ease, my soul rests and trust is sewed. I think the reason that the pious Pharisees thought of him uncouth and worldly was because God incarnate was human and made others feel at ease to be such. The Pharisees realized they weren’t God in His presence, that they were in fact human and that offended them. Sorry if this is offensive, I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I just want to express my frustrations in hopes that people will see that we aren’t perfect; that we haven’t always lived by what we say; that humanity is made for dignity, worth, and value but we haven’t always treated people that way. I mean, many people have been hurt by us Christians, and for that I’m sorry.
I am a very high mover and for those of you who know life languages you’ll know what that means. Basically the main question my filter is asking is “what’s your motive?” I’m interested in integrity: consistency throughout, and when I can’t see that I usually take on an offence, even if it’s others that have been hurt and not myself directly. This can be a great quality in that I’m often moved with compassion to do something about the things being done poorly, but it can also be a hindrance in that I’m constantly in want of justice. Justice isn’t bad; we all want it, although, when we close our hands to mercy and grace, it can be toxic obsession. The reason I say this is that mercy requires us to be willing to see the other’s side and grace requires forgiveness when the other’s side has hurt us. The people I’ve had the hardest time forgiving in my life are in fact Christians. I guess it’s because I expected them to know better because they loved God and therefore should act like it. The reality is that we are broken vessels and even Christians mess up, a lot actually. This doesn’t excuse bad behavior or wrongs but it does reveal that we are all in need of a love that is greater to rescue us, to reconcile us to each other and to walk with us through this struggle to bring us life.
Love, has so many meanings. It’s been used improperly as well as wholeheartedly. Some have experienced the former, the latter or both. It’s an emotion, an action, a word, it’s God; love is very abstract and somehow concrete. Why am I talking about love now? Because without it we miss the point to wanting justice, to showing mercy and to offering grace.
The reason we celebrate Valentines day is because one man risked his life in the name of love. Saint Valentine is said to be a marter who died while fighting for the rights of single men in 3rd Century Rome under Claudius II rule. At this time it was illegal for single men to marry because Claudius was building up an army, and he believed that married men didn’t make good soldiers. However, Valentine so believed in the power of relationship, that he continued to perform marriage ceremonies anyways. Eventually he was caught, thrown into jail and later killed. But on the eve of his execution he sent the very first ‘valentine’ to his beloved, the jailors daughter, and it read “From your Valentine. So regardless of whether this is all fact, he still died believing in something greater than himself, greater than something his mind could understand; he died for LOVE.
This is all to say that I think we must start walking this out together, even when we may not agree on everything. If we don’t start to dialogue with each other, to find common ground and share our love in the way that we’d actually die for each other rather than kill for our own gain and moral conducts than what’s the point to life?
As Shakespeare says beautifully:
“The quality of mercy is not strained.
I droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven…
And earthly power doth then snow likest God’s
When mercy seasons justice.
~ The Merchant of Venice
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