Cosmic [An inconceivably vast] Love!

This song was introduced to me in the fall, ironically, since the leaves are very fall like. I was standing on the third floor of Vari Hall at York University with a friend overlooking all the people walking in strange consistent patterns below us. This was a tough time for me. I was feeling as though the world was caving in on me and the beauty that had surrounded me was disappearing before my eyes. The worst part was not being able to control the situation. I felt like I was being sucked into a black hole, a place where I couldn't climb out of, a place that felt nothing like home. School was incredibly busy and it was as though my minds fear was taking over all the hopes that my heart once had. The journey from the head to the heart can be an incredibly healing process and at the same time a terribly confusing one if we let it. This all sounds very dramatic but at the time it was a big deal. "These problems matter" as quoted by 'Family guy'-haha.

Basically, I was standing in silence when my friend said that I must hear this song. About 15 minutes before this point I had been babbling on about my latest brain burst where none of it had even remotely hit my heart. I didn't want to speak from my heart. It felt like it was a very dark and lonely place at this point. In no way was I going to invite someone there. So it was in this context that I first listened to this. As I listened to the sound resonate in my ears, the lyrics curling over the concerns in my mind and putting them to rest, I began to cry. Tears just streamed down my face because the music was reaching a place that no advice or counsel was able to reach. I remembered that even in darkness God is there with me, embracing my heart. That darkness is as light to God! I was safe and new that what was to come would be so beautiful! Sometimes only utter beauty can mend a wound, music is often that for me.

I guess I was thinking of this moment yesterday as I was scraping my way through a cave up at Mount Nemo. A few pals and I went on a hike, I was wearing a cute little summer dress but how could I turn down an opportunity for adventure simply because of attire. I slipped off my flip flops and went in barefoot. Climbing through this dark, damp and filthy cave in a dress and no shoes. It was like being Jane of the jungle or something.

While I was in the cave, not able to see a thing or where I was stepping, fear crept in for a second but then I remembered that even in this place of complete darkness to me I am surrounded by inapproachable light. That eventually I would come out on the other side and see where I was. I think I am here now, on the other side of whatever that was last fall and am ready to climb back up to solid ground. This is going to be the start of a new chapter...I can feel it, or maybe that's just the residue of yesterdays hike, hmm? Either way, it's good!

¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

Psalm 139