The front Porch

‎"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." - C.S. Lewis.

Since being back I’ve been wondering what it even means to call a place home. So I looked it up in dictionary.com of coarse. As if that and the wikipedia sites of this generation will answer the deep questions of my heart. Haha, I’m just laughing at myself because this is often the way my brain works until I have more time to process. These were a few definitions that stood out:

- A house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.

- the place in which one's domestic affections are centered. (whatever that really means? “Domestic affections centered?” I’m sure I’ll get this later.)

- the place or region where something is native or most common.

- reaching the mark aimed at:

- deep; to the heart:

After reading this over I thought. Well, by definition Toronto should be home. Yet I still couldn’t bring myself to say it. I found myself typing things like “I’m back in TO” to pals on facebook and phoning people to say “We’re in the same country,” lets hang out. I mean, really, what’s my problem. It’s not a big deal? Is it?

I’ve officially been back in Toronto now for a week. Sad to say but it took me five days just to unpack my suitcase. Not sure if it was the nostalgia of what it meant to still live out of it or just procrastination. Either way it stayed on my floor staring at me every morning that I awoke until a few days ago.

When I arrived off the plane there was a sense of heartache leaving a place where I had met so many wonderful people and encountered so much beauty. England just looked like all the doll houses I would decorate as a little girl, just much BIGGER. Yet, there was also a coziness knowing I was coming back to a place I understood. The morning I got back to High Park my dad took me by Café Balluchon for an Americano and Croissant. I was immediately greeted by Raymond – the friendly café owner, asking why I was still here? He was certain I was going to stay over in England or that I should still be there. It was strange because for some reason it wasn’t being reunited with family or friends when I got back but the welcomed inquiry of an acquaintance that made me feel like I was home. Joy really is found in the simple, unexpected things of life.

I was overcome by the same feeling while writing on my front porch this morning before any of the girls were up. Curled up in a blanket on the wicker chair with my English tea, guitar and laptop just waiting for the sun to find the top of the sky. Although I can often be unsatisfied with the world as we know it, I, for a moment, felt content to be where I am in life, sitting on my front porch. Grateful for all the fun adventures I had this past month and for all the incredible people that were waiting for me when I returned. However, it's a new season now and I'm ready to dive in and swim around in the leaves that'll be falling soon.

I think there’s something really wonderful about a place that is familiar. To know your way around the ins and outs of a space. Toronto is like that favorite sweater that has holes in the neck/ sleeve and obvious pit stains from being over worn but for some reason you just want to keep it. Alright, maybe not the best analogy, but it’s the one I could think of on the spot. Perhaps it’s because I need to get rid of a very dear yellow sweater soon, yikes! I think you get my point though. It’s comfy and it may not be as glamorous as a new place but there’s an intimacy to knowing a place that can only come with time.

As the Autumn air brushed over my cheeks this morning and then the summer sun kissed them this afternoon I was reminded of how much I do enjoy it here, right where I am. I was showing a friend around this beautiful mundane city today and I was able to see it again for the first time with new eyes to help. He noticed murals on shop walls and clocks on tall buildings that I had never seen before. I pointed out the obvious as he noted the sweet details and it made me excited to think there so many layers to one spot, more to uncover.

I guess what I’m saying is although I can’t know for sure if this is the place I’ll end up for the ‘longer’ hull of my life I can still call it home. Not in the sense of reaching the mark I’m aimed at. That’s probably more like God’s heart or heaven even but rather: the place where something is most common, deep; to the heart. For now anyways…

…I’m home!