Grace.

"When I get honest I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games....

To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God's grace means." _Brennan Manning

Down by the lakeshore..

My tiger shot while doing some modeling in front of Lake Ontario for a friends accessory designs!

Oooo, and check this artist out while you're in Canada Day Spirit; He's from Ontario!

"Very First Time" is adorable:)

Happy Canada Day country!

Sitting with the stars...

This summer has been the start to dreams coming true. I mean, everyday is great simply because we get to breathe in this life but I've actually started to see the deep places of my heart make its way into reality. Life is such an adventure, one that's meant to be lived and not watched from a distanced or through another's. It's for you, right now, at this moment in time.

I often wonder if we spend too much time concerning ourselves with what's right that we miss what's in our hearts. Since I was a little girl I've wanted to go to London. I have no idea why? Perhaps it's because when I was in grade 1 this girl named Becky moved to our town and she had this adorable accent plus the coolest clothes ever. I was still in my ripped jeans with oversized t-shirts stage so her plaid pants and tight T was foreign. I thought she was from another galaxy or something. LONDON. It sounded so mysterious and strange to me. I was little so give me a break here. Basically, the dream has never left. My geography has gotten better so I understand where it is now but the mystery is still there. So, this August I am getting on a plane to take off to the UK. At this point my trip is just a plane ticket with some ideas of where I'll stay...I must admit, traveling alone to a destination unknown is a little freaky but sooooo exciting:) God knew I needed an adventure so here it is!

I know this is just the beginning to so much more. This year has all these prospects and new uncertainties but it's wonderful. I can't wait! I'm going into my last year of my undergrad, which means I'm finally going to graduate, Whoot! I have a trip to New York plus one to Vancouver that's in the works and then the East Coast for a 2011 family reunion next summer (ooo and there's more to that but I can't tell yet:) Not to mention the high park young adults church that is starting up in a few weeks. There is so much happening and yet without the presence of Love to enjoy it I know it would mean nothing. God keeps speaking to me about how the grass isn't greener on the other side. This doesn't mean that life doesn't get better when we finally step over that mountain we feel like we're climbing it just means that inside us there is an ache, we think that once we get here, there or to the many milestones we have in our minds that we will finally reach satisfaction. Yet, the longing will still be there, it's a soul thirst that I believe can only be quenched by water that is not from here. We need something that's outside of ourselves to tell us who we are and if it's not God then we'll let everything else define us.

I know that as I venture into this next part of my journey it would be worthless without a partnership with my greatest love. There are a few things I am still waiting to leap over in my life, thinking that once it happens all will be well. The kind response to pain is often, "this will pass." Wow, I do not like hearing that but it's true. A part of my conversation with God the other night went something like this:

G: "I wish you could see from where I am"...

J: "Then show me."

G: "You just need to sit with the stars."

J: "How do I get up there?"

G: "You float.."

J: "Oh yeah, because I float all the time *sarcastically said*"

G: "When all the stuff that's weighing you down lifts, floating is easy. Let me take care of the weights so you can see from a different place."

Maybe you think this to be some fictional conversation, or maybe you take it as a story with some truth. Either way it brought me peace knowing that as I let go of the stuff that weighs me down I am closer to sitting with the stars!

Words for the sake of writing

The past few weeks I've meant to blog but obviously nothing has come of those intentions (perhaps the intentions weren't intentions and just thoughts?) Kind of like my intention to go snow boarding every winter for as long as I can remember. That's right, I'm a 23 year old Canadian girl whose never been snowboarding. Again, I think it's just been a though because if I was actually intentional about it, I would have slip slided down the glorious snow covered slopes by now.

So what is this entry about? I'm not exactly sure. I think I just decided I should type something because I haven't in a while and I had a goal to post 2 posts a month. Even if they are just vomit on a page.

Since I finished my semester at school I've kind of been in hiding. First I got my wisdom teeth out, which was a wonderful time of forced rest. Oh yes:) Then I puppy/kitten sat for friends of mine, which was great company in silence and it made my heart be reminded of solitude, laughter at the lightness of life plus play time was a daily must! I also developed this sense of nesting in the midst of it all where suddenly I wanted to cook everything from scratch, clean redecorate, garden and I even bought some copies of house and home. I've never, I mean NEVER bought 'House and Home" magazine but for some reason I saw it and needed to have it. I'm not sure if this is a seasonal thing or if I'm growing up? Ask me again in a few months. Perhaps I was just learning life skills rather than just how to be a workaholic, hiring "specialists" for everything, which our culture so fervently encourages. Next on the agenda was getting a job. I contemplated taking a position up in Muskoka for the summer as I was offered a great space for free, unlimited boating and good money. However, my love for this city and the people in it caused me to turn down all the pros on my long list for those few short significant cons that kept me here! I am so glad that I have roots that do...

May was a HUGE marker for me. As of May 1st I had been living in 'the castle' for 2 years. This wouldn't be such a big deal except that since moving out of my folks place at 17 I wasn't in the same place for more than a year. The geographic area wasn't huge distances a part, it was just that I couldn't stand sitting still. Since starting a conversation with God (or should I say making it as a conversation since Him talking to me all these years must have been very boring without my response), I was challenged by our relationship to stay put for a while so that I could be present where I was, faithful in what I was doing and experience the beauty that comes with it.

This I have!

Toronto is where I was born, it's what I should get, where I my roots started but for some reason I couldn't reconcile that inside. It's even hard now, as I type this I wonder if it's where I will always be or if this is transitory. Either way, I have learned to be where you are whole heartedly and to give it your all even if the thought of leaving still plagues your mind. I am here and so here I will be!

I'm happy that wisdom directed me to this decision to stay because I am currently working at this adorable yet sophisticated space in the heart of the city called Hanks and the Wine Bar. Not only am I learning tons about good, sustainable and local food but I am also working with a dear friend that's become like a sister. It's only now that I see the glossy counterfeit that was being offered. I'm sure if I had taken the other position I would have been fine but fine is not what I'm after, best is where I'm headed! This is INTENTIONAL!

Again, still unsure of the theme to this blog. I guess it's more of a life update. I wanted to sit down and write something brilliant. To have some funny story with a whimsical life lesson but I don't. Not today or lately really. It's not that my creativity is stifled. At least I hope not...eek. I think I just haven't known what to say or how to say it.

I will say that the days are beautiful, the sun is shining in Toronto again, the birds are chirping and the butterflies are literally landing by my side.

Reflection:

I'm grateful to be here.

Pantyhose...

Have you ever set out to do something you desperately thought you needed and the complete opposite is what you encountered?

This past week I finished up my year at school, just exhausted from the constant demands of my time and energy in the books. I was in need of a day just to chill. I decided that a bike around Toronto with the wind in my hair, Magnetic North playing in my ears and the city at my fingertips was just the thing. I wanted to explore a bit, grab a coffee and be in my surroundings and yet remain outside of them in my head. Basically, I wanted to do my own thing with no interruptions. So I ended up biking over to Harbor St. to check out this quaint little café called “Sam James Coffee Bar." It's very good espresso there:)

Now before I left I pondered what I should wear for this event of relaxation. I of coarse wanted to feel pretty in my outfit, well put together after a long stretch of sweats, no make-up and sitting in the same position while studying for the past couple weeks. So I picked out this cute outfit to wear with my burgundy flats; the colours were well thought out with tones of grey, cream, purples and peach.

I originally had on a black skirt with pantyhose but then as I peddled out the first block I realized that riding in a skirt wasn't a good idea. I turned around and ran back into the house to put on my first pair of shorts this season. It's always strange to show leg for the first time after a long winter. I felt a bit naked even though the shorts were mid thigh length. I kept the skin coloured pantyhose on because with the wind it was a bit chilly.

When I arrived at the cafe this dude outside felt the need to instruct me on how to lock my bike up, making sure it wouldn't fall over. He was sitting outside the coffee bar, one of those 'free advice' people. Though I'm sure he meant well and seemed super kind, I just wasn't in the mood for meddlers. Like I said, the goal was to do my own thing, preferably with no interruptions. This is not so easy in life. I know for me I am a person who needs space, time to think/process, and be alone in order to rejuvenate. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being social for sure but alone time is a necessity. Wednesday was one of those days that I just needed to myself, or so I thought.

Once I made it passed free advice man and into the bar. I realized it was not what I was thinking space wise and wouldn't be able to just checkout like I'd planned. The bar consists of a barista bar, counter space and register, a condiments station to the left and then three seats overlooking the street though the storefront window. At the time of ordering I was the only one there so I got my latte to stay. As I waited at the widow for it to be made this mentally disabled man walked in and started chatting with the barista boys. He was obviously a regular because they all knew him plus his order. Finally my drink was ready and I got up to get it. As I was pouring sugar into my glass the man leans in close to my left side and says: "Hello!"

I jumped a bit because he was definitely in my personal space bubble. I responded with a smile an a hi as if to push pass awkward conversation with my eyes. Suddenly, he drops his head and begins to stare at my legs. No longer is he talking to me, he's talking to my legs.

At this point I'm not sure what to do because I am standing in the middle of this cafe that now has a line-up of people to the door with this man unashamedly looking at my legs (it's at this point I wished I'd just worn pants). He then asks my legs (I mean me) if I'm staying? At which point I'd like to respond no but I just finished spooning sugar into my glass cup. I respond, "Yes, what's your name?" (trying to get him to look me in the eyes). "Alex" he replies. "Nice to meet you Alex" is what I say walking past him and back to my seat at the window. Trying to ignore the fact that he is following my legs wherever they go. I pull myself back up to the bar seat trying to maintain my dignity, feeling extremely uncomfortable, wanting to be kind and yet also wanting to tell the man to 'F' off. Then the conversation went something like this as everyone else just stood on by amused by the story that unfolds:

Alex: "Are you wearing panyhose?"

Me: "Yes I am."

Alex: "Why?"

Me: "Well Alex, because it's a bit chilly."

Alex: "Can I feel?"

Me: "Feel what?"

Alex: "Can I touch your panyhose?"

This is when I am caught off guard and begin to wonder. Should I let him touch my panyhose? Would I let anyone else touch my panyhose that I don't know? Is this me letting him cross my boundaries because he's disabled and I'm "normal?" Wait a second whose the disabled one here? I can't even say no to a strange man touching my panyhose in public because I am worried about hurting his feelings. This is when I pipe up:

Me: "NO Alex you cannot touch my panyhose."

I never thought I'd be saying that firmly in a public place.

Alex:"Why not? I just want to see what they feel like."

Me: "Because Alex, I don't feel comfortable with strangers touching my legs."

Everyone is still awkwardly glancing over, trying not to get too involved because then they might actually have to speak up. Instead, everyone is quite amused by the corner store scenario playing out before their eyes. The barista boys having a muffled giggle under their breath in the background while I'm still thinking up what I can do to get out of this situation. Meanwhile Alex is way ahead of me. There's silence for a few seconds as my blackberry beeps and I think 'perfect a distraction.'

Alex: "I'm doing an experiment."

Me: "Oh yeah, what kind of experiment?"

Alex: He pulls up his pants and points to his socks leaning in closer, "a texture experiment where I compare the feeling of socks to pantyhose. Can I touch your pantyhose now?"

Me: Holding back laughter, "NO Alex, but you can get some pantyhose from the shoppers drug mart."

Alex: "I want to feel your Pantyhose. You look like Taylor Swift from youtube."

Me: "Thanks, I think? Either way you cannot touch my pantyhose. Now excuse me I need to make a phone call."

Alex: sighs and walks over to the counter loudly announcing to the Barista boys "I'M DOING AN EXPERIMENT TODAY BOYS."

Barista Boy: "What kind of experiment?"

Alex: "I'm comparing the texture of socks and pantyhose but the lady wont let me complete my experiment."

Now, although I should be completely embarrassed I was more just completely humored and amused by the interaction. I wasn't going to let him touch my pantyhose but he continued to conjure up new and creative ways to do so. He invited me over to have a foot rub from walking too much, said that he would help me if I ever needed anything, asked me if I owned pantyhose with designs that he could see? I thought to myself, this guys has no reservations and most definitely is not living by my mannersOmeter. Eventually he let up and I was left with the space that I had gone in search for that day. However, I couldn't really relax because I was so jolted by this dude. I finished up my latte and asked the barista boy to sign my disloyalty card. He then went on to apologize for Alex and said that he's harmless. I then replied, "I gathered that but still didn't feel comfortable with a stranger touching my pantyhose." He laughed, never have I had to say the word pantyhose so many times in a day and I went on my way.

The thing is, this was a random encounter that was absolutely not at all what I had gone out to get from my experience at Sam James but somehow it turned out to be better. The entire situation was strange, uncomfortable; a boundary pusher. Yet I was able to embrace it instead of fighting it off. I'm not sure if I'll ever see Alex again but I'm grateful for meeting him. I needed to laugh more than I needed the space. God knew that and I think that even strange men requesting to touch a gals pantyhose in public can be the humor of God.

Sometimes what we need is a little strange in the familiar and abnormal in the mundane to make us question what normal is? Or sometimes we just need to wear pants!

Something to ponder...

"It might well be asked, then, what makes a chinese woman, who sews a shirt in a chinese factory that sells for three dollars on the streets of vancouver, a stranger when she presents herself at the Canadian border as a migrant? Is not the relationship between the nation of consuming citizen and this woman--and with the countless others like her whose lives are spent making the products that clothe, feed, nurture and sustain them--an intimate one?"

~Sunera Thobani: Nationals, Citizens and Others~

This is a quote that has stuck out to me all year. I've written many essay's/pieces on the way in which politics is personal and that the policies that are made behind closed doors, within bedrooms and with the people around us cannot be separated from the policies that are made from a platform.

I hope this leaves an impression of honesty with you...

Tea is brewing!

This is an incredible sneak peek from a 10 part HD series that a friend of mine put together this year.

It's so beautiful and quickly wanted to share it with you.

Tea from belindalovelee on Vimeo.

I just adore tea:)

I'm not done with writing, just extremely busy with finals. There is an inspirational piece steeping and it will be ready soon! I like my tea strong...