On the move!

Hello faithful followers of "Beholding the Invaluable." I've been cheating on my blogger account and working with a tumblr account for a few months now. Just trying it out and seeing which I prefer.

As much as I have enjoyed the beginnings of my adventure with blogger, I felt it time to move on. So you can now find me at: jessicaheatherpayne.tumblr.com

I'd love it if you'd join me on the journey!

x

Folded and Unfolding.

"There’s too much riding on that, too much, too much, too much LOVE!"

This week has been an incredibly surprising one. It’s currently my fall reading break and where I was expected to be catching up on loads of excess thought, listening logs and ‘thinking about thinking,’ I was instead hanging out with family for thanksgiving, teaching my little cousins how to play v-ball and guitar, walking in the woods, road tripping it to Montreal and then Old Quebec, getting lost on the wrong side of the St. Lawrence, attending a Sufjan Stevens concert, late night bed chatting with friends, eating good food, drinking fine wine, smoking cigars, sleeping in past my alarm when I should have been at work, writing music and then actually making it into a shift for work and falling asleep to the Truman Show with my wonderful roommates. I guess you could say I’ve been LIVING this week. I’ve been becoming rather than just doing what was expected.

This is not a blog to suggest that we all just throw up our hands, drop our responsibilities and just give into our every desire in a whim – an unusual and unexplained sudden desire or change of mind – in case you didn’t know what the underlying meaning of whim meant. I love the word. WHIM. Whim. Whimsical! I love the way it sounds when it rolls off my tongue, how the ‘H’ in whim is so pronounced, the way it makes me feel like life is simple….Whim!

Okay, now that that’s out of my system I can hopefully get to my point. I know that we all have things in our lives that keep us where we are; our fears, inadequacies, responsibilities, comforts, familiarities and our assumed control. However, sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to just let go. GIVE UP THE REIGNS!

While I was on the road with my lovely friend Vanessa this week heading east toward Montreal we spent hours just sitting in silence, listening to great tunes, pointing out the beauty that each of us saw along the way and of coarse going a bit off track. But we always found our way. This trip was slowly getting inside me. I was suddenly unfolding…

We were on the open road listening to a mixed CD when ‘Colorblind’ by Counting Crows came on and in one line both of us stopped breathing and teared up slightly. Sung was the line:

“I’m covered in skin, no one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside. I am folded and unfolded and unfolding”…

How did I get so folded I thought? Why did I need to be pulled out? When did I decide to get stuck on my insides? Who have I let in? Why is letting people in, really, to that place of honesty with ourselves and others so difficult?

It wasn’t like this in the garden. Eden that is, I mean Adam walked and talked comfortably with God. No skepticism, no mistrust, naked before God and Eve. We weren’t guided by our sense of morality according to circumstances, the knowledge of good and evil. Rather there was just LIFE. Full life! We ate of the tree of life; an eternal nutrients.

Whether you take this story as literal, or metaphorical or a bit of both it still holds great symbolism. At some point our hearts felt betrayed, like we were missing out and we decided that we wanted knowledge outside relationship. Alone. Independent of a helper. So we listened to a deceiver, a liar and agreed with its fear over our community of love. When we did this we hid. We covered up. We became folded!

Since we were driving for something like nine hours on our way back to Toronto. Franticly trying to make it home in time for the Sufjan concert at Massy Hall. My heart seemed to be searching for its hidden places and desperately wanting to open up. It’s not that I’m overly closed off or extremely guarded. At least not anymore, yet I still knew the places that I kept shut off. “Shocked softly” I became aware of some of my very obvious covered pieces and I’m not just talking about the bra and underwear I had on. I’m talking about the urge to run from a community that loves me so much when times get hard. I’m talking about withdrawing from reality of daily life, checking out, forgetting to be present because the past and future are haunting me like ghosts.

Sound familiar? If not that’s cool. I guess it could just be me. But that’s not probable, so I write.

While in Montreal I ended up playing some of my original music at Crowbar during an open mic session. If it wasn’t for Vanessa’s prying and some strangers encouragement I may not have risen to the occasion. I was caught off guard by how easy it was to play in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know and in turn who didn’t know me. I felt safer for some reason. I thought, man I could do this forever. Just drive around and sing for people I didn’t know who flattered me and made me feel important. It’s not that people I do know don’t do this it’s just that they also know my messy parts, the journey that it’s taken me to get on a stage, they may even be entangled in the lyrics I present. They call me on my crap and love me through it. Perhaps this is why being seen in a place that I’m known freaks me out. A bit exposing I suppose.

Because of this, I write.

I don’t want to run. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to ignore my folded places. I want to live uncovered. I desire true intimacy (into-me-see:).

As part of this: Toronto open Mic’s here I come, EEEK!

When Sufjan sang away on Wed. night I got lost in the music. It was as if I were the only one in Massy Hall for a while processing the past few days of my trip. When the song 'too much' came on all I could think of was that there's just too much love waiting for me in this life for me to get stuck fearing it as well as for me to get confused by the illusions that try replace the true stuff. I want to be myself. I want to be known and understood for who I really am but this starts where you are. In the community your in now. It wont suddenly spring up by running to a new place. Sure traveling, mini-adventures and new experiences stretch us and grow us but we still have to come back to the now, the present at some time and face ourselves in the mundane.

There’s just too much riding on our beautiful lives to stay tucked away. There’s too much love waiting for us to just cope and sell ourselves short for counterfeit intimacy. There’s too much riding on our lives to be inauthentic and fake. There’s too much riding on us to give ourselves up to just anything in order to get by. It's time we start living instead of just surviving!

So where are you folded? Hidden? From what? From who?

Just let go, surrender, give up the reigns. Forgive so you can be free!

Bob Dylan ~ The Times They Are A-Changing

Although Bob Dylan wasn't the greatest musician of his time he definitely poised thoughtful ideas and captured people with his honesty.

He still isn't too old for me:)

A Work in Progress

Progress: forward or onward movement towards a destination.

The thought of doing the catwalk at a fashion show and falling in front of everyone leaves me with this sunken feeling in my chest.

When I was in England walking through Kew gardens I stumbled across a scene that has stuck with me. A little boy was running around a field with this girl around his age following him around. The boy quickly changed directions and jolted out onto the main walkway but fell flat over on his face, scraping his knees. As he did this the little girl ran over and plopped herself on the ground next to the boy, giggled down at his level and then helped him up.

Before the little girl went over to the boy the look on his face was utter failure. His eyes welled up with tears and he was clearly a bit ashamed to have fallen in front of a bunch of people. However, as soon as the girl went over and got on the ground with him laughing it off perspective set in and he giggled with her and they stood together. Soon they were back at the game they had been playing in the field.

As some already know I’m in my final year of undergrad. This year is a breeze in comparison to the preceding three. I’m taking ‘Professional Writing, Guitar, Marketing and Leadership,” yet I’m an International Development student. I guess you could say I take after my mother in that I aim to get the tough(er) stuff out of the way first!

In last weeks professional writing lecture my professor spoke about the three keys to be a successful writer. All you keeners reading now would be a good time to get out your notebooks. She said this:

1) Develop the ability to give criticism and to take criticism.

2) Self-awareness: be able to assess and to know what you do when you write. What are your rituals? What are your strengths/ weaknesses? How do you get started? (brainstorming, verbal processing..) What inspires you?

3) DICIPLINE! A good writer will practice and be faithful with their time. It’s important to schedule in time to work on whatever your genre is.

I was laughing to myself as she went over these three things because these were all practical things God had been speaking to me about for over a year now. Specifically in terms of my writing from prose, poetry, songwriting and short essays. A blog seemed to be the most viable solution at the time. As space to remain accountable to the imaginary readership. I set a goal last year to blog once a month. I think I missed June but well made up for it in July. Does that count?

The thing is that I was realizing that I wasn’t just going to wake up one day and be Margret Attwood, Hopkins, Manning or Martel. It was going to take courage, understanding and diligence.

Now these three things would have been really freaky for me if I hadn’t started to implement this thought process into my life because I don’t like to share my work in progress. I only like sharing it when I’m finished, when it’s been perfected to what I see is the best. I mean who wants to fall smack dab on the pavement in front of a bunch of people? The problem with that logic is there is only one set of eyes. Only one frame of reference and maybe there was something to be taken out of the minor or in some cases major imperfections. What is it about us humans that are so afraid of failure? I mean we’re going to muck up, not every time but we will and we need each other to help work out the kinks.

It’s interesting that criticism is such a scary word today. We don’t like it. We don’t want people to disagree with us and we certainly don’t want people to dislike what we create. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but there is only a “like” button on facebook. I guess we don’t want to step on anyone’s social narcissism, myself included.

I can see how this word has negative connotations. Criticism often feels like an attack on identity. But it’s not. We are not a product of our doings. WE ARE ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS BEINGS with UNLIMITED POTENTIAL. I mean how silly would it have been for me to have assumed the boy who fell on the pavement was his fall? That's ridiculous. The boy was still a boy learning to play and had a fall along the way. So what if we thought of criticism as something positive instead of negative? Instead of looking at it as an attack against our identity look at it as a key to accessing more of the creativity that’s inside us.

This comes in waves for me. Blogging was tough because I simply didn’t want to offend anyone. I didn’t want to mess up or be wrong. However, I suddenly realized that I had a voice and even if no one was reading; I could imagine a reader. Who knows when it may be useful to someone else? It's really not all about "I;" it's about "us."

Songwriting on the other hand is a whole other story. I haven’t really being playing that long but I’ve been writing since I was a girl, mostly ideas really. The thing is, I’m a woman now and my ideas are growing, my experiences are greater but somehow sharing it with the world seems harder.

Just recently I posted a couple new tracks to my ‘bands profile’ on my facebook page. They are just some really rough garage band recordings with my acoustic and I. Even though they aren’t finished and they definitely don’t sound the way they do in my head; they are still valid. They are pieces of my creativity in process. I think it’s just as important to share our shadow side as it is to share ourselves face on. I mean we get to see the process of the seasons changing, a sunset forming or a night sky dissolving. Sometimes my favorite parts are the beginning moments as opposed to the peek finally.

We shouldn’t be so worried that by trying something we may be going off track. It’s not hard to get on coarse as long as we’re in motion.

James 3:4

"take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go."

I'm learning to know where I'd like to go and in that let go. I mean it's not all up to me. I can't do it all on my own but I can do my part by practicing, by letting others be a part of the process. I guess I'm learning that as I move forward I can trust that God will steer my ship to where my heart and his heart meet; a place where our deepest desires are not far off from each other.

Being a woman who has pretty strong opinions and not to mention a will, I’ve had to learn to hold an open mind and moldable heart. This doesn’t mean not having a backbone; it just means not being so set in my ways that only I always know what’s best. It's a place where I'm trusting that when I fall there will be people who will come along side me, giggle and help me up.

Where do you want to be going? Is there movement?

“Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything” –George Bernard Shaw

"If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right, you’ll probably never do much of anything." – Win Borden

"Being challenged in life is inevitable, being defeated is optional" - Roger Crawford

"Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure." - George E. Woodberry

"The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything." - William Connor Magee

Death envies life

"The reason death sticks so closely to life isn't biological necessity - it's envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but the passing shadow of a cloud." -Yann Martel

I'm sick right now. Forced to rest as it stands, which is a fate that I am not thrilled with at the moment, especially in my second week of school.

I've heard it said that sickness is just a slower form of death, which I suppose it is. Our bodies aren't able to perform to it's fullest. I definitely feel sluggish when I'm under the weather or 'looking up at rock bottom" as quoted by Andrew Gaz recently. Everything just has to slow down. For instance this afternoon I sat in the park on a blanket and read the first few chapters of "Life of Pie" for my professional writing class. The above quote stuck out to me, thinking that life really is beautiful. It's meant to be savored and cherished in every passing moment. We are meant to enjoy living and being with each other. Yet, when I'm sick all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep my days away until I'm better.

This is precisely what I didn't do. After reading this quote I thought I would remind this sickness what it wanted to begin with, the lovely life I was living. Hoping then it may leave me alone once it knew it couldn't have my wonderful life but rather just try and imitate it with it's best shadow impression.

I strolled over to the farmers market, picked up some fresh vegetable, oven-baked bread, sheep cheese and raw cacao for energy. When I got home I was welcomed by incredible roommates all of whom sympathized with my pathetic state. Sarah looked over at me and said "you're so pale you look like a ghost." Great, I didn't think I could get any lighter. Fading fast, I put together a really fresh and hearty meal, sat down in the living room surrounded by company and watched tv because I could. Sure I had work to do, laundry to start and probably a few other errands I could have come up with. But all I felt I could do was sit on the couch surrounded by love, eat some nutritious food and watch a mind numbing screen for a couple hours. Somehow, this combined with the fresh air from the lay in the park was just what I needed. I'm learning that it's okay to leave things be and just rest until I have the gusto to get up and go again....sigh...

I'm learning...

Life is simpler than we make it out to be. Lately I seem to be finding beauty in the most mundane things. Like chopping vegetables I suppose. Gloom really is just a passing shadow and for shadows to exist there must be light somewhere.

No wonder my heart is happy from the inside out,

And from the outside in, I'm firmly formed -

My body rests in safety.

For you will not leave my soul among the dead

Or allow me to rot in the grave.

You will show me the way of life,

Granting me the joy of your presence

And the pleasures of living with you

Forever.

Psalm 16: 10-11

Eternity is now! Why wait to live when the journey of life is meant to be so splendid?

"YELLOW FLOWERS"

Empty Skeleton – Lost Dreams – Hollow Heart – Dead body – Filthy Bones –Wandering Soul – Crushed Spirit - Ragamuffin was I.

One afternoon yellow flowers came in the mail to remind me of the truth that I’m:

LOVED – PURSUED WITH INTENTION – SEALED WITH A KISS – BEAUTIFUL.

After this the flowers came up everywhere, doorsteps, gardens, jewelry, paintings, billboards, gift cards, t-shirts, window sills, candles, songs. They followed me around and couldn’t go unnoticed by my eyes. I was fixated on them.

WHY?

Because there is a love greater than anything I’ve ever experienced with human affection that is absolutely crazy about me, CRAZY about YOU! This love, his name is Jesus, my beloved. He had to get me a message, the message had to be told, the message had to be read, listened to; heard.

The message was “I love you.” It wasn’t said by the noise that can sometimes come from lips but rather was shown in the simple expression of yellow flowers.

I saw.

I heard.

I listened.

Whole Creature – Refreshed Hope – Abounding Heart – Restored Body – Marvelous Bones – Found Soul - Living Water. Ragamuffin I was…

BELOVED I am!

Hope is coming around.

Remembering last Autumn and pondering this one.

I used to have terrible falls and because I kept expecting it, I kept looking for the yearly bomb to go off, and sure enough there it would be, SMACK! However, this year is different, I can feel it, the air even smells sweeter. The circles are ending as my dear friend Sarah-Aubrey would say and the triangles are beginning. We may be the only ones that get that but it's alright. It's going to be a GREAT year and so naturally I wrote a poem about it:-)

It's time to stop spinning in circles,

Round and round and round I go.

It'll leave you lying on the ground with a dizzy head,

Not sure of what direction you're in.

Perception off.

Disorientation sets in.

Worry will become a friend.

I notice the leaves begin to fall again,

I know, because I've often gone with them,

Straight to the ground by gravities pull.

Not this time!

This new harvest I'll learn to keep the leaves under my feet,

Taking a stand on sturdy ground,

Splashing my boots in the watered terrain.

Stepping forward into new,

Walk straight.

No more spinning round and round and round,

Dizzy heads, toppled knees from all the ups and downs.

These familiar grounds,

No longer keep my place.

I walk straight,

Direction and I will meet.

Hope will be the only thing coming around and around and around,

This Fall.